That day just a few weeks ago, how it will forever be stuck in my mind.
The screams when we found out. The tears. The unknown.
That day you died. We all died that day.
All our relationships died that too.
Nothing will never be same.
Times spent together are now filled with stress and anger, what use to be filled with sweet memories and laughter.
We can't go back.
We can only go forward and hope this new normal eventually feels good.
Until then, we will continue to live moment by moment, angry word by angry word, and pray that everyone can get this through this and forgive each other.
Death brings out the worst in people.
I wish this nightmare would end.
I've always been the one on the go, with the theory of make the most of your time, not waste it. Relaxing for me is an afternoon or a morning, by end of it, I am ready to do something. Boredom quickly sets in and I become a grumpy person. Nothing gets done when you are relaxing. Time is a wastin'.
Apparently, I needed to learn the lesson of slow down. And it sucks.
Its been one week since I injured my knee and things are getting better, slowly. Very slowly. Many of you have asked how I am doing, what you can do to help, etc. Its all so much appreiciated.
I still can not walk without a noticeable limp, and am using my crutches in hopes of not doing any further damage. I don't even know what's wrong with it still, but I don't want to take chances. I can't drive my mountain man, which is sad, since its a manual. No clutch for me just yet. I can bend it far enough to enter the shower somewhat like a normal person. I can do steps like a normal person, isntead of using both legs to go up one step. Its the little things people. But I still have to take it easy, slow down, and ask for help.
Pain and swelling are going down, but are still there. Today, its a little more painful and stiff than yesterday. Why I am not sure. It's still stiff and not very useable, but I am making it work.
Speaking of work, yes I am at work. Better to be at work doing something, sitting in chair with it elevated than at home doing nothing with it elevated. They have been great here, helping me out, running my errands, and generally taking great care of me.
Things at home are a little tense, as its a major change for everyone to get use to. K has learned to be more independent, and I have learned I have to sit back and let others take the reins. It's a hard lesson for me, but when I do, the knee thanks me for it.
Today is ultrasound day. Yes, this is the soonest the great free health care system could me in. Knees are not emergencies remember. The results will be ready in 2-3 days, so I have a follow up appointment with my dr on Monday. From there, we will know the plan of action and what damage has been done.
I'm not scared, well a little since I did hear about 4 pops when I went down. Frankly, I just want to get the show on the road. Let's move this shitty injury train a little faster so we all can start to get our normal routine back. I'm tired of being no help, I'm tired of getting shitty sleep due to the pain, I'm just flat out tired of it all. Fix it already and let's move forward, slowly of course.
Last week, after coming home from work and feeling extremely guilty that these guys (see pic below, Toby on the left / Cora on the right) had been outside without much attention from us, I decided to bring them inside. I have done this a thousand times so to say it was routine is an understatement.
They were extremely excited and happy to be inside. Before I could even open the doors (see those double wooden doors in the background of the picture above, yeah those doors), they burst through and knocked me down in the process. I heard three or four pops in my knee and was on the ground in pain. I knew right away I had done something to my knee, my good knee no less. I immediately started going into shock, shaking and shivering, amongst the endless stream of screams and tears. Thank god those big dogs are about the right height. I used Toby’s back as a crutch to get me to the couch while I waited on J to get home. What’s an injured girl to do alone? Cry for help on social media of course. Thanks to all my friends who helped me through that time. It was scary being injured and alone.
I ended up at the emergency room, getting an x-ray, a shot of something to help with the pain, crutches and no diagnosis. I was told to call first thing in the morning to get an ultrasound appointment. My appointment is next week, yes a whole 9 days after the incident. Knees are not an emergency Ma’am, I was repeatedly told. ANNOYING! Three days after that appointment, I have to follow up with my family doctor to get the results, then if needed, make an appointment with a specialist. Follow up..Wait..No diagnosis..Referral..Follow up..Wait..No diagnosis..Referral..Wow, this process is productive to my health and makes total sense.
I live in Canada, I appreciate the free-ness of all this, but the timing is leaving me BEYOND FRUSTRATED!!! This is crazy ridiculous. By the time I might have to see a specialist, it will be weeks, probably closer to a month or more after the whole thing happened. How is that positive for my knee health? I realize a knee is not an “emergency” but shit this waiting around, hobbling around on crutches sometimes without and not knowing if I am hurting it more or doing what I am suppose to be doing is getting out of hand.
How is it doing I keep getting asked. Well… I’ve had knee injuries in the past. This one is different. It feels weird, its very stiff, and when I bend it the knee feels like things are balling up on the inside and resisting the bending motion. Almost like something is preventing it from going any further and sometimes it feels like something is moving around when I bend it. The only time it feels normal is when its frozen from my best friend, frozen peas. Swelling is minimal and concentrated to the inside of the knee, pain is more muscle achy now and goes all the way up into my quad muscle. Before, it was sharp pain but easily managed with meds. Now, with the muscle achy-ness, its more annoying and I haven’t found anything to take the edge off. I’m tired, bitchy and exhausted, but hanging in there and hobbling around on crutches. I just want to start feeling better. This lying in one place with frozen peas is getting a little old already.
Thankfully, J has been a great help, as has Danger. They both have stepped up to make sure things around the house are taken care of, the dogs are taken care of, and I have the things I need without having to go too far on my legs. I have been trying to go to work and return my life back to normal. It’s hard and I am ready to move to forward, whatever that may bring.
For now, I am cherishing the best medicine a momma can have.
(she wrote all this herself and on a note book piece of paper, I am typing it as she wrote it)
I hope you like what we got you this year. You’re the best mom ever that I ever now (I think she meant know). Your hair looked prettee today. Your makeup looked even pretteer. You better get some rest for Christmas Mom. I don’t want you to be tired. I think we should get dad some socks and a hat. He always wears a hat when its cold out. I think we need to get Sarah (our elf on the shelf) a bracelet and a necklace. She will love them. She loves those things like her owner K. Love you Mom. Can you please not work on Christmas. Hurry up and get home from work.
Love you Mom
(signed her name with a heart)